You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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