dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
