Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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