we have officially lost it.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
