In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
