dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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