I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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