Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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