I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
