Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
