my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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