my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
