Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
