$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
