I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
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