What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
