I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
