Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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