i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
