Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
