so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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