I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
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we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
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We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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