____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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