I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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