i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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