Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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