he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Also, beer. Big fan.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
