I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Someone came in the potted fern
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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