I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
