Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
