I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
