Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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