sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
