yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
