i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
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Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
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official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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