Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
