I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
