Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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