70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
