Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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