i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
