I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
