1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
