just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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