Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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