How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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