im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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