It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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