Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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