my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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