'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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