Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
