I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?