Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.