Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
