How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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