ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
