Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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